How Can You Deal With Relationship Issues?

So often, we can get so focused on what the other person should be doing differently, insisting 'if they would only,' and feeling like the problem is the other person. Since the only person we really have any control over is ourselves, I like to ask people to consider 'if I were to do these things: ___, our relationship would probably be better.'

Expecting others to change (to our liking) uses up a lot of energy that we could be using in more productive ways. And, almost like magic, when I put my focus on managing myself better, it gives the people around me the space to make better choices themselves.

Active listening is a powerful technique for clients struggling with relationship issues. It involves fully concentrating, understanding, responding, and remembering what is being said. It can help clients feel heard and validated, which is often the first step toward resolving relationship issues.

Two of the biggest game-changers for my clients working on their relationships are understanding their attachment style and that of their partners (or whoever they are interacting with). Understanding attachment style gives us so much information about why we behave/react in certain ways. It gives us empathy, understanding, and a starting point to create real change. Secondly, boundaries have been a big topic lately, and this can really empower the client to begin to understand their own needs/limitations and learn how to communicate that in a clear, direct, and kind way.

It is typically difficult for individuals to recognize their role in relational discord. Of particular importance is for people to be able to recognize maladaptive patterns that contribute to their relationship issues. One of the best indicators is for the person to show insight, accountability, and awareness of their role in the unhealthy relational dynamics. It is only through those types of changes that an individual can alter their approach to future relationships.

One effective technique I use as a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist for clients with relationship issues is the "Imago Dialogue" from Imago Relationship Therapy. This process involves three steps: mirroring, validation, and empathy. First, partners take turns sharing and mirroring back what was said to ensure understanding. Then, they validate each other's perspectives, recognizing their value even in disagreement. Finally, they express empathy, understanding how the other feels. This structured communication fosters deep listening, mutual respect, and emotional connection, helping couples move beyond conflicts to understand the underlying needs and emotions, facilitating healing and closer bonds.

Parts work, taken from Richard Schwartz's Internal Family Systems (IFS) model, asserts that our psyches are each comprised of multiple personalities, or relatively discrete 'parts,' each developed unconsciously to assist with some aspect of the human experience. We can trace nearly all relationship issues back to our attachment styles and what we learned about relationships in childhood. Parts work allows us to investigate and meaningfully engage with underdeveloped aspects of ourselves that don't feel safe and consequently sabotage our ability to build or sustain healthy relationships.