What Strategies Do You Use to Help Clients With Relationship Issues?

A strategy that I regularly use to help clients with relationship issues is to have clients check in with themselves when they make an unwanted choice or behavior. Questions such as, 'How did you hope that your partner would respond?' or 'What did you feel like you were missing in the relationship prior to making that choice?' or 'Which of your needs do you believe are not being met in this relationship?' can help clients to gain awareness into why they do what they do.

Relationships with others can be helped most by building your relationship with yourself. I have my clients start to ask themselves, "What do I feel?" and "What do I need?" on a regular basis. Notice that when identifying what you feel, it begins to provide the answer for what you need. Combine this regularly-used tool with fine-tuning personal boundaries, and the quality of most relationships with others will be better.

I help clients get to know what parts of their personality tend to be associated with the identified relationship issues. These parts are often very protective or reactionary because of having been hurt in the past, and our tendency to look to loved ones to make these parts of us feel better is often what leads to relationship issues. To address this, clients and I work together to get to know how these parts have been hurt, what the parts need in order to heal, and how the parts can develop new roles that are more effective for self-trust. Once self-trust is established, our inherent ability to relate to others tends to come more naturally, and relationship issues decrease. This, like any good work in therapy, takes time and patience.

Lead with 'I statements.' When effectively communicating with your relational partner, make a large effort to eliminate words like 'you' and 'why.' The reason being those words come across as combative and confrontational, while 'I statements' allow the other person to understand this is coming from you, not at them.

As a psychotherapist at JK Counseling, I often use the strategy of fostering open communication to help clients with relationship issues. Studies show that poor communication is one of the leading causes of relationship breakdowns, with 65% of couples identifying it as a significant problem. By creating a safe and nonjudgmental environment, I encourage clients to express their feelings and concerns honestly. This approach not only helps in identifying the root cause of conflicts but also aids in building trust and understanding between partners.

At JK Counseling, we empower individuals to develop active-listening skills and empathy, which are crucial for improving relationship dynamics. Research indicates that couples who communicate effectively are 62% more likely to have a successful and lasting relationship. By focusing on these skills, we guide clients toward healthier, more fulfilling connections.

One strategy I use to help clients with relationship issues is to encourage active listening. You can improve communication by focusing on understanding what your partner is saying instead of thinking about how to respond. Start by giving them your full attention. This means making eye contact and putting away distractions like your phone. Show that you're listening by nodding or giving small verbal cues like 'I see' or 'Tell me more' to encourage them to continue​​.

After they've spoken, try summarizing what they said in your own words. This helps clarify any misunderstandings and shows that you really heard them. Ask open-ended questions to explore their feelings further and show empathy by acknowledging their emotions. For instance, you might say, 'It sounds like you're feeling frustrated about this situation.' My goal is to create a supportive environment that makes both partners feel both valued and understood.

While we'd all love to enter into new relationships as blank slates, we are profoundly impacted by how relationships were modeled in our families and our earlier experiences with friends, romantic, and sexual partners. Learning to identify when our responses aren't just about the present but are also informed by a past experience helps parse through our responses and be sure we're acting in alignment with our values now and aren't accidentally slipping into old patterns that are no longer relevant or serving us. Helping patients understand how their past contributes to their present can be a huge reset for relationships.

Relationship challenges are often rooted in narratives of self and other. As a psychologist and coach, I find that helping people build awareness via emotional intelligence is key. Specifically, I use a validated version of an assessment called the Enneagram to illuminate people's understanding of relationships with self, how others experience them personally and professionally, and the important work of stepping into someone else's perspective.

One strategy I use to help clients with relationship issues is the practice of Non-Violent Communication (NVC).

NVC suggests that many of our automatic and/or habitual responses to others may be harmful. Marshall Rosenberg referred to this as "violent" communication and believed that our language encourages judgment, comparison, and demands.

There are 4 basic steps to NVC: observations, feelings, needs, and requests.

NVC encourages couples to first connect to clarify their observations, feelings, needs, and/or requests. Then, once needs are clear and a mutual understanding is achieved, couples develop a strategy that meets all or most of their needs.

An important aspect of NVC is the emphasis on "positive requests," meaning that instead of asking for what you don't want, you should request what you do want. For example, saying "I'd like you to spend more time with me at home" is preferable to saying "I don't want you to spend so much time at work."

NVC encourages connection and awareness during communication—good communication is crucial for a healthy relationship.

When clients struggle with relationship issues, I suggest reframing their inner questions. For example, someone might come to me saying, “Will I ever be able to resolve my problems with my mom?” and I might say, well, let's see if you can ask yourself a different question. How about, “Am I happy with the way my relationship with my mom feels right now?” My goal is to help this person feel empowered to make an intentional change to themselves, whether in their actions or simply the framing of their thoughts, that can help move them in the direction they want to go. This strategy encourages self-reflection, personal growth, and agency in shaping their relationships.